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A gal at work is having a baby shower today. My friend Brian and I came up with a lot of this years ago at another baby shower and I thought it was finally time to share it with the small portion of the world who might actually see this. Sorry that the formatting is a bit...large?...I don't really have the time to reformat right now.

 

The Guys Guide to Baby Showers

by ben zuehlke

Do's, and Don'ts

1. When greeting the expectant mother-to-be:

DO: Say (with a big smile), "So when can we expect the precious bundle of joy?"

DON'T: Say (with no expression), "So when's the little guy popping out?"

2. When greeting the expectant father-to-be:

Refer to item 1 and reverse.

3. When thanked by the mother-to-be for coming:

DO: Say, "Of course, I wouldn't miss this for the world!"

DON'T: Say, "Sure. Where's the food?"

4. When shown the refreshments:

DO: Say, "My, so much to choose from! And all in baby-sized portions too!"

DON'T: Say, "Is this it?"

5. When filling your plate with refreshments:

DO: Help yourself to anything you see...

DON'T: Touch the chocolate! (Trust me.)

6. When asked your opinion about the decor:

DO: Say, "It's perfect! And where did you find those darling pastel streamers?"

DON'T: Say, "Meh, could use a TV."

Terms and Definitions

Cute: adj. 1. Anything small or miniaturized. e.g. Though the title of this guide is not cute being as large as it is, my name directly underneath is cute, as it is tiny. e.g. "Those diapers are so cute! Look how tiny they are!"  2. Any wild and ferocious beast rendered friendly and playful in "stuffed" or "plush" form. e.g. "That teddy bear is so cute! And that little stuffed tiger too!"

Adorable: adj. Items depicting one or more of the following: babies, clouds, smiling moons, fuzzy teddy bears, furry white rabbits, storybook characters (esp. Winnie the Pooh et. al. and excluding witches, trolls and ogres excepting Shrek et. al.), cuddly lambs, pastoral landscapes, and/or containing fringes, frills and tassels. e.g. "That blankie with the picture of Tigger and Pooh playing with Baby Shrek in the meadow under the moon-lit sky is so adorable!"

Precious: adj. Items composed of, or containing, one or more of the following materials: gold, silver, colored glass, molded glass, ceramics, intricate stitching, i.e. breakable, or easily ruined. e.g. "What a remarkable figurine, and such fine gold lettering! Have you seen anything more precious!"

Darling: adj. Unknown. Though research seems to indicate that use of this word is linked to wearable items, i.e. clothing. Some argue that because this clothing often is extremely small, "cute" is a better adjective. Others say that because such clothing often contains images of duckies and lambs, "adorable" is the appropriate adjective. Others suggest that the term "darling" is actually descriptive of the color of the object: specifically pastels, and other "spring-time" colors. Clearly, more research is needed.

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Praying for gas prices...?

Am I un-Christian for almost laughing at this? Seriously? Part of me wants to laugh at the idea, but another part of me feels ashamed for even considering laughing at someone who wants to pray. I don't know all the details of the story (which is another reason that I hesitate to laugh), but the gist of it is a pastor from some church is actually traveling to some gas station in CA to sponsor a "pray-in." I don't know how far he's traveling--the news story made it sound like it was a long ways--and I don't know what his specific prayer is.

Who am I to say that God's not concerned with our rising gas prices (I'll pay about $3.50/gal today when I fill up)? What if they're right and God's only been waiting for His children to lift up their voices to lower the gas prices?

As soon as I wrote that last sentence I remembered the book of Exodus from the Bible and I think I now know where my problem is with this idea of praying for gas prices. When the Israelites lifted their voices to God, it wasn't because of higher costs of goods, it was because they were being beaten and killed by the Egyptians. They were forced into slavery, and even had their children snatched away from them moments after birth.

There are so many other things we as believers should be crying out to God about, and maybe we are. Yeah, I've been taking a hit at the pumps lately, but I'm still alive. I've had to adjust my budget slightly, but I'm still paying my rent. And if my waist size is any indication, I haven't been starving. When I start noticing all these things, I realize God has been daily answering a much more important prayer, "Give us this day, our daily bread" (Matthew 6:11). Let the gas prices rise, I don't care. I know that God knows how to meet all my needs. My prayer is that more people will understand that very important point.

Creativity and the Color Gray

The communications department, where I work, probably contains the most creative people in the building. Writers, graphic designers, radio producers…we all have to come up with creative ways to get our message across. This is probably a reason why many people in Communications are discouraged that all our walls are a flat gray color. One guy though, says that he read something somewhere that suggested that the color gray is actually very conducive to creativity. No one believes him, but I think he might be right.

The people who argue against him are actually proving his point. Because every time the topic of wall color comes up, suddenly everyone who is unhappy with the shades of gray has several ideas on how they would improve it. "We could make this wall dark blue! We could hang colorful pictures up above the cubicles! Let's paint geometric shapes of various sizes and colors for a modern feel!"

Why gray? Why don't the other colors inspire? White is pure and unapproachable--any mark becomes a stain. Black is defiant and oppressive--do anything to it and no one will notice. The other colors of the rainbow all invoke different emotions—the red's and the yellows are aggressive, they say "work! work! work!" The greens and the blues are more laid back—"take it easy," they say, "it's all cool." More than any other color, gray calls out, "do something with me! I'm boring! Make me beautiful!"

Far from being unimportant, the gray walls of the Communications department are the catalyst of all creative thought. They cause us to think of the "what if's" and the "wouldn't it be neat's." They are untarnished sheets of pure potential.

That, and gray paint is cheap.

-ing Words

Two sample sentences that came out of something I wrote recently.
Original: "The Gentiles were substituting an intimate relationship with God the Father with an informal political process."
Revised: "The Gentiles substituted an intimate relationship with God the Father with an informal political process."
The issue at hand here is the difference between "were substituting" and "substituted." The reason for the change to the latter is to make it "active voice." Active voice provides more punch in a sentence compared to its passive alternative. And in the writing world, this is desired.

Another thing I observe. The Passive (first) example is more journalistic, it is describing a process: "They were doing such and such." The Active (second) example is much more definitive with little room for debate: "They did this." Would some consider this judgmental?

The first example has an air of humility—it describes an activity but doesn't speculate as to motives. But the second, by declaring definitely what occurred invites judgment. "Why would they do that!" "Why didn't they do that?" "How dare they!"

Is there a lack of humility inherent in Active Voice? Does it encourage judgment over understanding? Is there a way to use the Active voice and still encourage humility on the reader's part?