A gal at work is having a baby shower today. My friend Brian and I came up with a lot of this years ago at another baby shower and I thought it was finally time to share it with the small portion of the world who might actually see this. Sorry that the formatting is a bit...large?...I don't really have the time to reformat right now.

 

The Guys Guide to Baby Showers

by ben zuehlke

Do's, and Don'ts

1. When greeting the expectant mother-to-be:

DO: Say (with a big smile), "So when can we expect the precious bundle of joy?"

DON'T: Say (with no expression), "So when's the little guy popping out?"

2. When greeting the expectant father-to-be:

Refer to item 1 and reverse.

3. When thanked by the mother-to-be for coming:

DO: Say, "Of course, I wouldn't miss this for the world!"

DON'T: Say, "Sure. Where's the food?"

4. When shown the refreshments:

DO: Say, "My, so much to choose from! And all in baby-sized portions too!"

DON'T: Say, "Is this it?"

5. When filling your plate with refreshments:

DO: Help yourself to anything you see...

DON'T: Touch the chocolate! (Trust me.)

6. When asked your opinion about the decor:

DO: Say, "It's perfect! And where did you find those darling pastel streamers?"

DON'T: Say, "Meh, could use a TV."

Terms and Definitions

Cute: adj. 1. Anything small or miniaturized. e.g. Though the title of this guide is not cute being as large as it is, my name directly underneath is cute, as it is tiny. e.g. "Those diapers are so cute! Look how tiny they are!"  2. Any wild and ferocious beast rendered friendly and playful in "stuffed" or "plush" form. e.g. "That teddy bear is so cute! And that little stuffed tiger too!"

Adorable: adj. Items depicting one or more of the following: babies, clouds, smiling moons, fuzzy teddy bears, furry white rabbits, storybook characters (esp. Winnie the Pooh et. al. and excluding witches, trolls and ogres excepting Shrek et. al.), cuddly lambs, pastoral landscapes, and/or containing fringes, frills and tassels. e.g. "That blankie with the picture of Tigger and Pooh playing with Baby Shrek in the meadow under the moon-lit sky is so adorable!"

Precious: adj. Items composed of, or containing, one or more of the following materials: gold, silver, colored glass, molded glass, ceramics, intricate stitching, i.e. breakable, or easily ruined. e.g. "What a remarkable figurine, and such fine gold lettering! Have you seen anything more precious!"

Darling: adj. Unknown. Though research seems to indicate that use of this word is linked to wearable items, i.e. clothing. Some argue that because this clothing often is extremely small, "cute" is a better adjective. Others say that because such clothing often contains images of duckies and lambs, "adorable" is the appropriate adjective. Others suggest that the term "darling" is actually descriptive of the color of the object: specifically pastels, and other "spring-time" colors. Clearly, more research is needed.

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